Today many toads assaulted me. Try and keep them enthused, for how else to smoke their skin, and appreciate their sensual wartiness? Examined ceiling in great detail, as stimulating work provides great opportunity for such entertainment… Attended ennui conference; first speaker was impressively soporific, but seem to have missed the rest.

Hope enormous audience is suitably entertained by personal collection of fridge appreciation magazines, certainly stimulates me to great heights endeavour. Curiously, seem to have email from attractive 18 year old woman-who thinks my sex appeal is enormous- surely the shortage of optometrists can not be so great. Ask all readers to send funds to the “cure-the-deluded-18-year-old” fund, or merely send gold bricks with no return address-result is the same.

This is really just a test... more to come