Web Design Tips

Must ensure you have lots of flash animation and pop ups- because everyone just loves those, also, make sure opening page is filled with useful graphics e.g. ultra high res picture of business owner smiling benignly at customers, and possibly family members. Further, ensure everyone that visits site (particularly dial up customers) have to download useful graphics before going further in the site (they just love that!)

Other useful tips- “Jump down” (see www.slate.com for this) menus- these appear, sporadically, when mouse is moved over them- except when you want them to.

Other popular web designer tricks: Obscurity is best: Ensure that what the customer is after is hidden behind five layers of menus- the more obscure the better:

EG

Fish Appreciation>In Lithuania>Nettle District>Local tissue Manufacturers>Pay Your Bill

Help : It is very important to properly organise your help: to wit: The most obscure topics should come first, (otherwise how would you find them?) - commonly needed topics should come last. Thus

How to render your page in Finnish, every second Thursday

Should always come before

Change your password.

Search tips: Web users love a challenge- help search should be organised accordingly. So if you search for "password change" all results should concern- "Olympic washing machine throwing" thus making for an interesting diversion from their tedious tasks.

Colours Make sure that text and background closely match- A beautiful sky blue background, and light blue text- will have those unfortunate enough to read it calling their optometrist in no time.

Scroll bars: Internet users need exercise, so make the text at least three screens wide so the fun of using mouse and scroll bars to read text can be had by all.

More Search Tips: Always include a search box that either

Isn’t indexed- so can’t find anything no matter what you put in there.

OR

Goes to the web search with a random pornographic word, to make for a more... stimulating web experience- particularly helpful if you are at work, looking up bolt prices with the boss looking over your shoulder.


Hope these help

Today many toads assaulted me. Try and keep them enthused, for how else to smoke their skin, and appreciate their sensual wartiness? Examined ceiling in great detail, as stimulating work provides great opportunity for such entertainment… Attended ennui conference; first speaker was impressively soporific, but seem to have missed the rest.

Hope enormous audience is suitably entertained by personal collection of fridge appreciation magazines, certainly stimulates me to great heights endeavour. Curiously, seem to have email from attractive 18 year old woman-who thinks my sex appeal is enormous- surely the shortage of optometrists can not be so great. Ask all readers to send funds to the “cure-the-deluded-18-year-old” fund, or merely send gold bricks with no return address-result is the same.

This is really just a test... more to come